Our Story

This is going to be long - but I think it’s important for us to share our entire story with you all. There are so many details in our story that really show how depression and anxiety can shift and change over time, but most importantly, the details show how God’s grace, love, and faithfulness abound.

To start, my husband has suffered with depression and anxiety since middle school. He had taken some medication in the past and also had seen a therapist but didn’t stick with either as he didn’t feel either helped much. His depression came and went in waves and so did his anxiety. Along with his job, he’ll tell you that his depression started getting worse after we got married in September 2020 because now his problems were someone else’s. His mood no longer just affected him, but it affected me. Same with his attitude. Same with his outlook on things. He felt more guilt and more shame because he could no longer sit in it on his own - I was there. There were many times he came to me and apologized if he seemed short or distracted and explained he was going through one of his waves. We have always had very open and honest conversations about his depression, how he was doing, how could we help him, etc. which made a big difference for us.

Jumping ahead and seemingly off topic, but I promise it’s relevant - I have always wanted a dog. I didn’t grow up with one and always wish I had. My husband, on the other hand, grew up with all kinds of pets so was really excited to be married and no longer have pets around. I told him I’d give him one pet free year of marriage and then we’d revisit the topic. It’s important to note just how badly my husband DID NOT WANT a dog - so understand he did not want one, at all. It was September 2021, and my husband was currently working days but was planning to go back to nights. I told him if he went back to nights, I really wanted a dog because I didn’t want to be alone. I also wanted a dog so we could practice being “parents” and the dog would be old enough for when we had kids in the hopefully near future. My husband was the opposite and would have rather just skipped the dog and dove right in and had kids.

On Monday, September 20th, 2021, my husband texted me saying “we can get a dog” and then started to send me all sorts of puppies for sale. Long story short, it was a crazy three days, but we soon found ourselves driving home with a handsome all black German Shepherd puppy. The next few weeks were tough, as anyone who’s had a puppy knows, but we were making it work and getting into a new routine.

Some context needs to be added in here: my husband’s depression made a lot of things really hard, but it changed from time to time. Sometimes going to social events or having friends over was a pain. Sometimes he looked forward to it. Sometimes yard work or a home project was a dreadful inconvenience (although he ALWAYS still did them with little to no complaining). Sometimes he knocked it out no problem. Sometimes he liked being busy. Sometimes all he wanted to do was absolutely nothing. Fast forward to around November 2021. My husband sat me down one day and told me he was really struggling with the dog - taking care of it, feeling like his freedoms were gone, entertaining it, training it, etc. He then told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to have kids anymore because he 1. didn’t want them to end up feeling the same depression and anxiety feelings he’d dealt with most of his life, 2. he didn’t think he’d be a good dad, 3. he didn’t like taking care of the dog, felt no connection to him, and was worried he’d feel the same way towards a child. This was very difficult for me to hear and process because, if you know me well, you know I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom, just like my mom was. He was very aware of his depression and anxiety and told me he knew these feelings were because of it, but he just had accepted that this is how his life was always going to be and that nothing was ever going to change. However, I was not going to accept this because I knew that how he felt was not okay and was not God’s best for him or our lives. What he had believed about himself were lies, and I was determined to show him that.

I probably should have been more distraught with the thought that my husband had just told me he no longer wanted to have children and asked me to consider a life without them, but I wasn’t. I know that only is because of God’s peace and strength. I knew to my core that would not be the case - I didn’t know how or what would change, I just knew no children wasn’t the answer. We started discussing our options which were medication and therapy. We both did not want him to try medication for a whole host of reasons, so that left us with only therapy until my mom learned about TMS. I immediately started researching it and thought it sounded like an incredible option and really felt hopeful my husband could be healed. I approached my husband with this treatment and he hesitantly agreed to the consultation, mostly because we really had no other option.

Leading up to the consultation, I had done some research on the cost, how insurance factored in (or not), and what our situation would look like. We would not qualify for insurance and would have to pay for this treatment completely out of pocket which I knew was going to be thousands of dollars. I started searching for some type of program that helped police officers deal with depression or seek financial aid for depression treatments and found absolutely nothing. I found a lot of educational and awareness programs and organizations around mental health in the force, but nothing that provided financial assistance for any type of treatment. I was honestly surprised at this knowing how prominent depression and anxiety are in the police force due to the demands of the job - along with the many detrimental behaviors that come with that, such as alcoholism, gambling, even suicide. I thought for sure there would be a multitude of options for assistance, but there were none that I could find. Aside from all of this, we had our consultation at Greenbrook TMS - after which I was even more excited and hopeful. My husband was more skeptical, mostly around the cost of it and also the time commitment (it’s every day, 5 days a week). He took some time to think about it before deciding he wanted to go through with the treatment. I burst into tears.

Starting January 14th, 2021, we now were on this 9-week journey to hopefully my husband feeling better. We didn’t tell anyone, and I didn’t ask how it was going. I didn’t want my husband to feel any type of pressure to respond a certain way or feel bad if he wasn’t feeling better. It took about 2 weeks for him to start noticing a difference and he actually started looking forward to going to treatment. It took me about 3-4 weeks to start noticing a difference. He seemed more awake. He was livelier, more smile-y, laughed more, and did the little and big things around the house without me asking and with a positive attitude (he’s always been incredibly helpful, but now it was amplified). The other sign for me was how he interacted with our dog, Nash. Remember how I said he never wanted a dog? Well, he kind of acted that way toward Nash since we got him. He was not very affectionate or very playful with him in the beginning, but as the treatment went on, that really changed. My husband still makes jokes he wishes we didn’t have a dog, but he is so loving towards Nash now (they’re best buds don’t let him fool you).

About a week after he finished his last treatment, I asked my husband how much better he felt, to put a percentage on it. He said he felt 95% better. When he has a sad thought, it doesn’t carry on down the rabbit hole it used to. He used to “like” being sad in some regard and now he said he can’t even imagine being in that state of mind. He is more positive, more alive, more awake, remembers more, and is more confident. He no longer has anxiety towards becoming a dad (well, any more anxiety than a normal person does with the thought of becoming a parent). He no longer feels the heavy thoughts of inadequacy towards being a dad. He no longer worries our kids would suffer from the same depression he did. He no longer looks at housework as a burden and does tasks without even thinking now. So far, he hasn’t experienced another wave of depression or anxiety. The treatment cost us $6,918.12, and it was worth every single penny after seeing how he is now.

I know with every fiber in my being that God moved here mightily. I cannot imagine if we had skipped getting a dog and just had kids like my husband wanted to because all the feelings my husband felt toward the dog would have been 10 times greater towards a child, and a child is way harder than a dog. I know God changed my husband’s heart to get a dog so we could discover the seriousness of his depression and anxiety. I know we needed to learn the seriousness of his depression and anxiety so we could get him help, especially before we had kids. I know we needed to get him help so he could finally be free from his depression and anxiety. I know that if he felt free from his depression and anxiety from this treatment, others could too. I know the Lord firmly placed it on my heart to DO something with this. I know we went through this to start Officers Off Duty. I know Officers Off Duty is going to make a difference. All the glory and praise to God.

-Leanne N.